Maybe I’ll find you in forgotten dreams…I leaned against this fragile reflection and sadly it fell away…Its remnants shattered as I pick up a single piece..Maybe if I cut out my heart slowly he’ll understand that I am only his…or do you think he’d prefer to tear every last piece, down to the very arteries themselves, out to selfishly hold onto?
My blood will spill, gushing silently over these fragile reflections..
I have updated a page I created, now renamed. I filled it with poems. Silly little poems I wrote when dealing with my own heartbreak, by my own predator. But my predator took responsibility. He took me in with open arms in the end and shook away his title of predator. He decided he needed me, loved me. He gave me promises before that moment, promises he didn’t keep, promises that broke me. I became an empty shell..and Nathan was there and watched it all unfold. And soon after my predator shed it all away, Nathan changed. I remember thinking for awhile, was this some kind of exchange? Did Nathan and Austin exchange mindsets? Austin became as devoted as possible while Nathan pushed away suddenly. Or were both these transformations not as sudden as I thought? Were there signs along the way? Even the most subtle of hints that both these men were changing..
I guess I’ll never know for sure. But all I do know is one of my closest friends, my brother..he is suffering for it while I’m living a nearly married life with the man I believe to be my soulmate. And nothing brings that love down, even days when we’re not sure if we’re able to afford groceries, or electricity, or rent. Even on days when we’ve been at each other’s throats over everything. At the end of every day, we lay down in the same bed, we hold each other close, and we don’t even have to apologize or tell the other “I love you” aloud. It lingers between us and all is forgiven. The sting of harsh words and the pressing of worries falls away for that moment, and we fall into dreams holding onto each other for dear life.
I wish I could give this to him, even for just one more night..