I can hide this here on a page where nobody is going to see it but you

First I have to interrupt what I’m putting up here with stupid Periscope drama.  Block that French fucker, he’s a psychopathic liar.  I already made SZ unfollow me.  Before I start with what’s below, this is not an insult, you’re hard headed, so am I, so is SZ.  With that French fucker being hard headed is the way to big failure.  Jay and Amanda warned me about playing amateur detective and I should have listened.  You can think you’re going to beat him at his own game, sorry dude, for your own safety you need to sit that game out.  He’s the cult leader for all of those idiot alt righters and they aren’t afraid to come knock on your door or worse.  I don’t even know if I’ve talked to that French fuck directly or whether it’s been one of his cult members but the results were the same my nudes got put on alt right sites with my family’s info. People on Periscope are having their personal records dug up and broadcast on Periscope because of these alt righters.  These alt righters were hardcore online trolls before there was an alt right who would dox people for the hell of it, now they aren’t just doing that, they are getting into face to face confrontations and vandalism.  That we had a break in to our website last night was something Jay expected.  Websites get broken into many times a day even Facebook.  Jay beefed up some security, we’ve had 2 bad incidents, someone from my wrestling team in college because a guy wanted to out me, and the Denver GOP because SZ wrote a concise paragraph on Gays for Trump.  You’re lucky to have a family that supports you and that French fucker’s cult has no problem dragging them into it.  He had at least 4 people rebroadcasting you from their computers on Periscope last night. I couldn’t keep up with all that was being said about you but they were trying to locate you, I think they’ve all been deleted. I know you want to debate them, I know you think you’re invincible, but it’s not true.  This is about your safety, block all of those alt right trolls because what they are is a group of junior hackers, people Anonymous kicked to the curb, I hope I made that clear.

Can I begin

What I’m trying to say without subtext could be blunt and I hope you understand.  I don’t have your e mail so I have to explain all of this here.  It’s not attacking you, I haven’t been attacking you. I have never disliked you.  I have always liked you.  I’ve had concerns and I want you to understand why.  There have been people who have really taken advantage of us and hurt us more than just with with music side of things, it’s hurt us personally.  I know I can come off as over protective, I apologize for that.  Please give me a chance to make some sense of it for you.  Please?  Nothing here is meant as an attack.  It could be critical but not meant as a personal attack.  We want to welcome you here.

The band as a whole, at least me, Levi, Kurt, Andrew, Logan, and Jay want to be welcoming to you, because SZ sees something so special in you, you have captured his soul.  We want you to be a part of us doing what it is you do.  We’ve always been political. SZ wanted you to have the opportunity to do whatever you wanted with that and to our surprise whatever you wanted with no restrictions.  SZ has most of the final say with what the band does until it gets to the label, but with you, to our surprise he said you have the final say with you and your content, so all doors are open for you.

What you have to understand with us is that we are under contract to Warner Chappell UK and Warner Music Group UK and you might not understand what that means.  They have final say over our content, our music output, all individual images, what we put on social media, all of it. If you see a band on social media say something stupid, they usually get fined by their label, most of them don’t have access to their social media accounts, our label doesn’t like us controlling our Periscope or Twitter accounts.  We are a package to the label, all bands are, this is how the machine works even for niche bands like us.  The trade off in having the security of a label behind us is worth it, they can shelve a recording indefinitely because it is competing with something else they are trying to push, it doesn’t matter because we will somehow be compensated.  If SZ guests on a podcast the label has to know about it. Our site is where we have some freedom, but we never wanted to be in the business of selling ourselves as personalities, especially after we got signed at 18 and all these people wanted into our lives because of the attention we were getting, it scared us so badly we wanted to quit completely, so we renegotiated and struck a compromise and we are happy with the control they have over us.  We never wanted to be famous and still don’t we want to make our music and art.  The record label stuff doesn’t apply to you.  SZ wanted you to have total freedom to do whatever you wanted and he’s never done that before and there was no disagreement from us, Levi and me just had our concerns.  None of us are in the same places right now, unless we are touring we all usually aren’t in the same place, that’s just how it works, we’re all still taking classes and have the things we need to be doing just like any other band, so whoever your favorite bands are, they aren’t sitting around jamming all the time, because life is life, the members probably live in different cities than from where they started and send sound files back and forth. Being in music isn’t easy and we want our costs covered and to make some money for putting in the effort and that’s hard when people just steal music online and think a band can make up for that by touring but touring costs money so we welcome our corporate overlords.  And with this Trump deal going on we probably won’t be able to tour this year, Europeans are hating Americans for electing him and there are problems with Europe’s alt right, some festivals have been cancelled and others aren’t booking Americans unless they have really big names.  Sorry for rambling, I don’t know how much of this SZ has explained to you.

I have never disliked you, I’ve always felt the opposite.  This goes back to you calling in Gays for Trump when SZ thought there was something special about you.  I cycled through different Periscope accounts until I was told to stop that and identify by my Twitter account.  I’m not big on social media, I’ve gotten in trouble with it, but not for causing drama.  So I watched you for a longer time than you might realize.  Mark even watched you and he kept thinking you had to have a podcast, he thought you were really amazing, he was so impressed with you, he wanted to talk to you but he didn’t think it was age appropriate. If he knew that you and SZ connected he would be pleased.

This is where I get to the concerns part.

The thing I missed and don’t know how it happened, was that all of a sudden you and SZ were actually talking to each other.  And that scared me because we knew so little about you.  SZ was having profoundly deep and intimate conversations with someone from Periscope.  You can take those words, profoundly deep and intimate and put all the labels you want to on them to scare yourself, be a dick to SZ,  or even get into your insecurities with homophobia, (I’ve notice that in your Periscopes) but please don’t.  That you and SZ were able to talk on that level scared us, because he wasn’t talking to us or anyone.  At first we didn’t know if you were setting him up or something, but I never disliked you.

All of this going on after Mark dying, we knew how vulnerable SZ would be and we knew for sure that you would know how vulnerable he would be too because you’re not stupid.  We were concerned.  And the level on which you guys talk just got deeper.  Why is this important?  After SZ’s grandmother passed away, he started building a cocoon around himself, which made for some interestingly angsty performances on tour but it wasn’t until Mark was gone that all the walls went up.  When it’s so random that he’s able to open up to someone from Periscope and with the intimate way that you two talk, sure we’re going to get concerned, but never did anyone dislike you.

You can say it’s not intimate but that would be a lie and we both know it, to back away from it out of some fear of what that could mean would make you a hypocrite and I don’t think you want to do that. On your Periscopes you make such a huge deal over other peoples hypocrisies that it’s obvious that it’s not part of some role you’re playing on Periscope.  And this is all a two way street, the tone of your Periscopes changed after you two started talking, there was more clarity in you, so I won’t believe it if you say he hasn’t affected you in some deep fundamentally positive way that probably freaks you the hell out.  But you can’t let it, you don’t only damage a relationship if you freak out, you damage yourself and it’s something you’ll keep repeating, I don’t want to see that, you’ve got too much to offer.  This is the fine line you walk, either you face your fears or you wind up like those Gays for Trump failures.

If there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that he loves you and that’s real. I don’t think for a second that you don’t love him, but I do think you need to label things and put boundaries up where they don’t belong out of fear or insecurities. Please don’t do that.  Like I said, you might if you’re really lucky have a couple of relationships like that in your life, but the big truth is that most people will never have them at all. Fuck, I don’t even have it with my partner.  Did I have it with SZ?, hell yes, and I screwed that up royally and I regret it every single day. SZ and I were close friends that could share anything and that always came first, what developed out of that was the best thing that ever happened in my life, there were no labels on it.  So what if you love him, just love him be honest about it, don’t hurt him, get out of the closet. When I say don’t be the next Nathan, I’m also saying don’t be the next me.

You can only hide so much of yourself behind all of this role playing on Periscope. I get it, and I know you don’t take that into real life because I’ve been around for quite a few of your’s and SZ’s talks.  It’s like you two have known each other a long time, the two of you connect in a very special way. What I’m saying is don’t freak out and screw that up, because you benefit from it too.  SZ is the person in your life that will jump in front of you to take a bullet so you don’t have to. Don’t put a label on it just be a part of it.

That’s one of the only critiques I have about your Periscopes, you’re really quick to judge things and put labels on them and that just backs you into a corner. You’re really defensive and that says more about you than it does who you are judging or what you’re labeling.  And yes, you have been homophobic on your Periscopes, which also says more about you than you want to know.  I’m not talking homophobic in the Gays for Trump sense, they aren’t even homophobes, they are evangelical Christian bigots that are filled with hate.  But here’s the deal, on Periscope you’ve got talent for cutting through all of propaganda with facts.  And I hope you take that talent into the rest of your life.  You could have an amazing podcast.  You have the talent.

Part of what i’m trying to say is that fear and insecurities can make for some bad decision making and while you won’t think you’ll suffer the consequences, you will, and so will the people around you.  I have my fears and insecurities and so do you.  What I’ve had to learn is that these things can hurt the people we love and damage those relationships and there’s no way to get them back.

I really haven’t liked SZ being in a city that he doesn’t know well.  Not that he can’t make it work, he’s usually a very sociable guy that people really like.  He’s not somebody who only gets by on his looks, he puts some effort into how he treats people.  But since all of this has happened he’s been withdrawn, and not in his shy sort of way.  And I know there’s something else going on with him.  How you’ve gotten through to him, I don’t know, but you have.  He’s never been the kind of guy that lives in some bubble of musicians talking shop with them, he’s an intellectual with a lot of interests, but he’s also a very loving and caring person and people have taken advantage of that.  By the tone I’ve heard you guys talk, I think you already know that.  SZ likes Houston a lot, he has wanted out of Manhattan for a long time and into Brooklyn but I don’t think he’s sure about that even, I think he wants to be close to family and his sister in law does need him in Houston.  He has an amazing family, lots of love there, a family I’m beyond grateful to, but it doesn’t mean it’s helpful in a massive city that he doesn’t know well.  And I have all of this session work booked and am taking a class so i can understand how to handle money because Mark handled all of that for me, he did all the family finances.  My loyalty to SZ makes me want to be there, but he wants me to do what I need to do.  Houston is like NYC, it’s a lot to take in and it’s hard to make connections with people especially for people like SZ because he’s an intellectual, but he has made a very deep connection with you.  And it’s not a gay deal in Houston because Houston is a gay mecca, but nobody looks at SZ and thinks he’s gay, he doesn’t have anything to do with that scene, he has lots of women and straight guys hit on him but he’s not going to do hookups because he’s not like that.  The Walkers always have had a strong emphasis on morals, ethics, manners, and politeness, sometimes I’m afraid SZ would call 911 in an emergency because it might not be considerate to intrude on their time.  Not that SZ is alone, there are people from school and a couple of his brother’s friends, and not that he hasn’t done some exploring, it’s just that all of these people are so much older, not that there’s anything wrong with that but he’s just not connected with them in the same sort of way he’s connected with you and that kind of connection most people never find and I hope you have that connection with him.

More important what goes on between you and SZ isn’t my business and shouldn’t be and I know I’ve put my foot in my mouth about it and I am really sorry, I just don’t want to see him get hurt because he really gives his heart to the people he cares about and that means you.  I don’t betray confidences, but he told me he was planning on going to Orlando or where ever you are to visit your MacBook when his intern schedule gives him time to do so.  Since I know he could do whatever needs to be done with your MacBook in his sleep, he wants to meet you really badly.  He’s not the kind of guy that your family would find questionable at all, well maybe his expensive taste in clothes, and he would stay in a hotel, he’s not going to intrude on you.