What Happened Before Christmas

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You asked what happened before Christmas, I couldn’t answer on the confines of Twitter, it might explain a lot of what you might see as confusion.  We have to take a step back to coming down off tour and to Mark.  Z Boy was frustrated with NYC, he calls it a gated community and that’s what it is.  He had been wanting to get out, but to Brooklyn or somewhere on Long Island, he also wanted to be with family, so Htown was also considered.  At one point last year we went to Chi Town for a couple of weeks, but our music friends there said the resources weren’t there anymore and the educational resources weren’t there either.  Z Boy wasn’t trying to run away or something like that, he could thrive in NYC but the culture has been sucked at out of the city.  There had been an exodus in a way of people from NYC, it’s too expensive to record or work there, Manhattan, Brooklyn, and Queens. Bronx is going that way too.

When Mark called him and asked him to come to Htown, SZ welcomed it.  Lots of paper work between schools, his thesis was still being reviewed, he had intern hours left to do, Mark helped work all that out, and we left.  After we got there, things were good, but he was still missing something.  He had talked about wanting to meet at least one new person that had “passion” and that was different from the group of musicians, artists, and snobs we were accustomed to and he was being disillusioned by, he kept saying he wanted to meet someone “real”.  Unexpectedly Mark is gone within a week, we had been out on the boat with him five days before, he was in remission, it didn’t seem real, it was a big shock, Z Boy immediately started seeing a doctor from school to deal with it, I saw him too.

It was at this time Z Boy started talking to you and there was a change in him.  We had both watched you on Periscope, and I over protectively overreacted to him talking to someone from online, so did his sister in law. To say you had an affect on Z Boy is an understatement.  You guys were talking for hours, had your own unique way of communicating, I was envious, it was like how SZ’s and my friendship started but I was also concerned, I didn’t want to see him get hurt, because I realized you were who he as talking about when he said he wanted to meet someone “real”.  Also at this time I understand why Z Boy calls himself a novelty and I see the truth in it.

During all of this, since his sister in law needed him there, gear is getting shipped from NY and we are recording before schedule, just the two of us, we got so much accomplished, we hadn’t worked this way since before we split up, and I was staying with him, so I had a few ideas in my head about how this could work out, but I had hurt him so badly that those wounds weren’t quite healed.  Also going on at the same time was serial cheater Kurt, who had put Z Boy in an awkward position.  Kurt didn’t cheat on SZ, but he started trying to see SZ when he was already in a relationship, making SZ back out immediately.  There wasn’t enough trust there to make that work. I brought this up in a site update when I talked about cheating, but Kurt wasn’t my only target, it was originally about somebody else.  Z Boy didn’t feel betrayed by Kurt, they are still friends.

Then Periscope and social media drama begins.  That French fuck shook SZ and that was about you, SZ could have cared less about what that French fuck said about him except for one thing, French fuck tried to make up something that would drive a wedge between you and Z Boy. That really upset him because there was nothing he could do about it, he didn’t want to lose the relationship you guys were starting, it became clear it could happen.  The French fuck terraforms Pericope into a neo Nazi heaven and SZ backs off of Periscope.

SZ backed off Twitter because he was getting threatening DM’s, All I know is that one of them had to do with you.  The only other thing I know about these DM’s might be important, but was never explained to me in any detail, It was a DM on Twitter that made him write Op Exile, at the time Exile was the song we were going over to re-record first.  The song Exile with lyrics are on the site.  I know the song is about betrayal from the perspective of someone pressuring another person to betray another by misleading them.  Z Boy’s lyrics are philosophical and psychological examination, they are meant for the listener to examine themselves.  The DM and us working on re-recording that song was just bad timing.  Op Exile and the song Exile were the obvious, there’s nothing vague about any of it, except for who is involved.  Since he was so shook, I have suspected that you are in that mix.  More to the point, it seemed like someone put SZ in a corner and he was either being exiled, or he was imposing self exile himself.  This was the big turning point before Christmas.  It was also when he told me how much he really cared about you, I had already figured that out.

December 15.  Contracts with Warner Music and Warner Chappell Publishing UK are renegotiated and re-upped for 7 more years with a lot of new digital stipulations.

My family snatched me up for a holiday trip, Kurt went home to his family, Z Boy’s sister in law needed him there.  This is where things get really murky, he wasn’t totally alone, but I got the feeling he was forgotten.  He had only mentioned losing his brother to a handful of people, he wasn’t going to play any kind of sympathy card.  One of his professors asked him to spend the holidays at his small ranch, he told no one about this, which was highly unusual considering he responsible he is.  The few days he was alone, a friend of his brother’s had been over quite a bit.  His family never celebrated the holidays in a traditional way, but I am quite sure he felt alone.  He has never mentioned what was going on with him between the 18th of December to probably the 3rd of Jan, but he withdrew and has been a bit distant since, it was obvious that he was hurt, but he’s not one to complain or be dramatic.

On his birthday, I get a voice from him that scared the hell out of me, it said, “I want to disappear”

It goes beyond the Christmas holidays, the switch that got flipped when he wrote Op Exile never got flipped back.  The follow ups to Op Exile are the most personal things he’s written for publication.  You said he seemed depressed.  Clinically, no.  Emotionally, over the dog.  Some anxiety, yes.  Have I been concerned, yes.  Is he letting me in, no.  I understand that you’re concerned, but you have to understand that SZ isn’t going to let himself be a burden to anyone, and if you want to know something you’ll have to ask him directly.  Z Boy is going to speak to you in a way to make you feel comfortable, but he is going to be honest. Not as bluntly as I get.  He’s shy, he has his insecurities just like me or you.  He’s been to Htown many times, people know him there, where I get bluntly honest is saying he’s lonely and horny.  Bad combination, because he can take his pick of people, but I know him and he most likely wouldn’t because there would have to be some emotional connection there.  The only person I worry about there is that new Borat.  Like it or not new Borat is something to worry about, SZ is vulnerable to that.

One thing you need to understand about relationships. This applies to all of them, let’s put the labels away.  If you have a relationship with someone, other people are going to try to pry that relationship apart.  To them, that relationship is their business. Other people will try to manipulate it, get you to rethink it, and get you out of it.  People do this because they want attention for a second and control.  Protect your relationship.   I’m guilty of doing this to an extent, but I stepped back from that a while ago, into being supportive.  I understand that what I’ve called homophobia is fear and insecurity, and as sad as it is I can relate to it, I do it myself.  I don’t like admitting these things to myself and they are hard to say.  Where we differ is that you might be a better person than I am, maybe you can overcome the things I struggle with.  It may be hard to tell him you love him, but it lets him know that he isn’t a novelty to you.

A lot of what you are wanting to know about what happened before Christmas is that Z Boy woke up well before the holidays to the reality that he is a novelty to people, people he cares about and random people, because he has achieved some things.  When this is a reality, he has no idea who loves him.  And he’s looking for someone that does that he connects with.

Z Boy tests on the Meyers Briggs Personality Inventory as an INTJ with some INTP tendencies, he also doesn’t like that personality test.  But it points out the obvious, that he is intellectual, logical, and intuitive, but it doesn’t say how loyal and loving he is.  When someone talks to him, they have his full undivided attention, anything less he would say is inconsiderate.  Even with all the damage and pain I’ve caused, I know he’s there for me, but I know we can’t go back, I broke what was there.  While we do talk almost everyday, there are some things I don’t get to know.  He respects confidentiality, he would never break that rule of his.  He doesn’t play games with people but people have played games with him.  All I can say is something has been going on since before Christmas and layout a timeline of events.  But I pick up more fear than depression, I say that because he has said talk about the fear of losing someone, the fear of not being able to connect with someone.  He does connect with you, it could be that he is as scared as you are.  Since what you two have is so rare, I think you guys need to talk it out and put all the fears aside.  It’s hard, but worth it.  I understand he’s not a novelty to you, but he won’t understand it until you tell him.

While I’m here, you’re a gifted writer, you are a policy and political intellectual.  I would truly like to see you write more, and I would love it if you and Z Boy did a few podcasts.

I wish you well dude