COINCIDENTAL EVENTS

I’m back. I’ve had a rough few months, but I’m back.

I’m living in Roseville again, waiting for the time I become independent. The kids are well.

But most importantly, I’m taking steps to start working with the Sacramento Lesbian and Gay Center. I attended their Queer Youth Prom last Saturday, which will be my last as an attendee since I will be twenty one next year. I talked with a lot of the volunteers, obtained a card with the nights they have groups for volunteers my age. I now have so much free time being placed on disability that I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I still have my limits on what I can do, but I plan to do more work towards GLBT equality. I’ve been slacking a bit on it.

Queer Prom was a hit. It was created in response to GLBT youth getting kicked out of their high school proms for simply being GLBT. I had a wonderful date, and despite walking two blocks through downtown Sacramento in heels and the rain, it was an awesome night.

This is my first step in getting more involved. And I have to say, I’m pretty damn excited I’ll have the time for this.

All girlified for Queer Prom 2012. It's not like me to be so girly.

I apologize for the absence. I’ve had one hell of a month.
I’m not okay, nor am I doing well.
Nearly a month ago I was admitted through the emergency room and placed within a psychiatric  hospital for six days. I was diagnosed as bipolar with psychosis.
I am now medicated, still struggling with my diagnosis..but, I’m trying to remain optimistic.

Please be safe on Wall Street. America can imprison its citizens indefinitely.

I have nowhere to turn. There is no right answer. Any path I choose I can’t win. I’m stuck within these thoughts where I try to find a way out. No one can help me, no one can save me, not even myself. I just need to get this out. I just wanna stop hurting. My hair is falling out, I have no appetite, I’m terrified. I’m afraid of him. I just wish there was an easy answer.

Be safe while occupying Wall Street, boys. Love you.

Maybe I’ll find you in forgotten dreams…I leaned against this fragile reflection and sadly it fell away…Its remnants shattered as I pick up a single piece..Maybe if I cut out my heart slowly he’ll understand that I am only his…or do you think he’d prefer to tear every last piece, down to the very arteries themselves, out to selfishly hold onto?
My blood will spill, gushing silently over these fragile reflections..

I have updated a page I created, now renamed. I filled it with poems. Silly little poems I wrote when dealing with my own heartbreak, by my own predator. But my predator took responsibility. He took me in with open arms in the end and shook away his title of predator. He decided he needed me, loved me. He gave me promises before that moment, promises he didn’t keep, promises that broke me. I became an empty shell..and Nathan was there and watched it all unfold. And soon after my predator shed it all away, Nathan changed. I remember thinking for awhile, was this some kind of exchange? Did Nathan and Austin exchange mindsets? Austin became as devoted as possible while Nathan pushed away suddenly. Or were both these transformations not as sudden as I thought? Were there signs along the way? Even the most subtle of hints that both these men were changing..

I guess I’ll never know for sure. But all I do know is one of my closest friends, my brother..he is suffering for it while I’m living a nearly married life with the man I believe to be my soulmate. And nothing brings that love down, even days when we’re not sure if we’re able to afford groceries, or electricity, or rent. Even on days when we’ve been at each other’s throats over everything. At the end of every day, we lay down in the same bed, we hold each other close, and we don’t even have to apologize or tell the other “I love you” aloud. It lingers between us and all is forgiven. The sting of harsh words and the pressing of worries falls away for that moment, and we fall into dreams holding onto each other for dear life.

I wish I could give this to him, even for just one more night..

It’s pathetic what people can get away with these days. I haven’t forgotten the senseless murder of Lawrence King, have you? Yesterday on September 1st, 2011, no verdict was found for his killer, Brandon McInerney. How is deliberately shooting a classmate in the back of the head not murder? Why the hell did he even have a gun on him on school grounds in the first place? There’s so much wrong with this..

Let’s just let everyone who’s deliberately shot someone in the back of the head go free shall we?

Beautiful Zoe Addison was born. Family is doing well. Now that I am no longer worrying about a baby safely growing inside me, I can start contributing more to the site once again. I feel bad that I have yet to make more contributions to this site. I guess I’m at a block where I’m not sure what to put down. There’s so many mixed emotions right now. Hearing Nathan’s voice still makes my blood boil, passing by his parents’ neighborhood on the way to Timothy’s still makes me want to scream at them.. It’s just finding out how to put this all into the right words. Going through this pregnancy, not having many people to talk to and being placed on bedrest for the majority of the pregnancy..it let me sit and think over a lot. And I could remember how Nathan wanted me to carry him and Shawn’s babies as a surrogate mother. I had gladly agreed to this at the age of barely seventeen. I had wanted to give a child to two people I cared for and loved deeply, give them a family. It’s something I definitely love having. I knew this wouldn’t happen until years down the road. And all I could remember was Shawn’s fears about having a child of his own..and Nathan pushing this onto him like every other little thing he pushed on Shawn. He was so cruel right in front of me, and I passed it off for nothing.

I think I grew to hate myself a little thinking over everything.

But I’ve got bigger worries on my hands right now.

Pretty little Zoe.

It's a girl!

Zoe Addison Archuleta, due August 13th.

The baby tried coming last week, way too early. Been on and off bedrest, mostly from stress. All I can do is worry. It’s been over three months since I’ve heard anything from Levi, and it’s been a year since Shawn slipped away from us..it feels like it hasn’t been that long, and at the same time, years longer..

Due date changed to August 19th. Baby is healthy, good strong heartbeat. It likes to dance already.

A new life. It’s coming August 14th. We’ve broken the news, for the most part.

It’s hilarious to log on here, flipping through the posts I’ve read over and over, searching for some kind of hint of hope when there’s hardly any left. It’s hilarious because Nathan Nevitt has been exposed in a different kind of way. A symbolism. Exposing a nude photo of Nevitt symbolizes how we hope to expose who he really is. I actually had a dream about him the other night. We were sitting in his old truck. Talking like it were merely two years ago on any other winter night. His growing love for Shawn, my madness for Austin. I was cautious about Shawn, him about Austin. If only things could go back to that way. I miss the person who was my best friend, but I will never truly know if that’s a real side of him. I will never know if he ever truly existed. It pains me sometimes. He was the only person I completely trusted with everything for awhile. Then he faded from my life like nothing ever happened between us. Like we never shared secrets or dreamed of being in each other’s weddings or anything like that.
Where the hell did everything get fucked up? And now all I can do is worry about Levi..all I can do is remember all I have left of Shawn…all I can do is keep on going through everyday life, almost like nothing ever happened. I can remember, I can talk about it from time to time, but it’s painful or uncomfortable for anyone else to talk about it with. And to top everything off, I’m slowly losing my mind..nervous twitches, increased anxiety, hallucinations…it never goes away…I want to know the truth, but am afraid of it. Just like every other situation in my current life.

Tomorrow a countdown begins.
In just one year, on October 16th, 2011, I become Mrs. Archuleta.
Just one year, filled with ordering flowers, designing the perfect cake, arranging photographers and playlists, losing fifty pounds to fit perfectly into THE dress, taking down every last detail, all for a ceremony and celebration that will last probably four hours tops.
It’s something Shawn planned to come to. It’s something I plan to invie Levi to.
I should be happy. I’m loved, cared for, safe, wanted, needed.
But something’s missing. And I can’t put my finger on what it could be.
Austin senses it, constantly asking about my moods, my behaviors.
But I don’t have an answer for him, so I lie and say I’m fine.
We have hopes and dreams like any other couple, but there’s a piece that doesn’t fit.
Something that doesn’t sit right with me.
We have a happy home with us, my three year old son, Aiden, and our kitten, Bailey.
He works five to six days a week.
I go to school five days a week, and work the other two.
I’m caregiving again, for a man who’s had three major strokes.
His family, who employed me, his wife specifically, are a blessing.
Then I started having strange dreams again.
In one, I became Shawn’s caregiver after he woke up.
I’m at a point in my life where everything’s hectic and I have no one to turn to.
I wish I could talk to Shawn, he could always point out a a sensible path for me.
And the feeling I get..thinking of Shawn..laying in a hospital bed,
waiting for life or death.
Or thinking of him in general.
I’ll never forget the way he ranted about his coffee when I told him I hated coffee in general.
I’ll never forget his laughs, nor his sobs, nor his voice.
His cries still haunt me. I wake up in cold sweats.
I should’ve done more to help him…
My heart sinks, breaks, implodes, I’m not sure what the hell is does!
Every time I think of him.

It gets harder to breathe, tears sting me, and I wish it would all go away.

I wish it never happened, I wish I could go back and stop this all.
Stop Nathan.
Even if meant not knowing the most amazing man to ever grace this earth.

I was added by Aaron H Wall on Facebook the other day.
I accepted the request when I looked upon his wall and found an article, an essay, of sorts.
It was Aaron, calling out Nathan Nevitt, one abuser to another.
I proceeded to send the link to Levi. Then I proceeded to forward the same link to Nathan Nevitt.
I also posted it upon my own wall; I was so overwhelmed by it’s brilliance.
I logged on but half an hour ago to find that a comment was left on the link.
It was my good friend, Samantha, and she was appalled. Here is her comment:

“really amanda? this doesnt need to be posted on facebook for the world to see. really rthink about your
actions before you do them. i must say what you posted disgusts me. you can have your opinion without
having to post things like this. arent we all mature adults, but this is juvenile of you. grow up”

That is a direct quote. Not changed in any way. I’m stil angered by such a reaction!
This is how I responded:

“Sam, the beauty of this country is freedom of speech. And honestly, I can speak out about MY friend
putting himself in a coma over his husband’s cruelty because it’s what I feel is right. I’m not doing
anything wrong. Put yourself in my sho…es. What is this happened to two friends of yours that were
together? Would you stay silent or would you want justice?
It’s been tough, trying to understand my feelings on the situation. You know Nathan used to be my
best friend. I would never have turned against him without good reason. There are limits. He crossed a
line that was uneccessary to cross. And don’t comment on the situation. No one knows as much as I do
about this aside from Nathan and Shawn. I collected both sides of their story before I placed judgment.
I won’t go into details for sake of privacy on both parties but Nathan is guilty.

So god forbid I seek out justice for those who can’t speak for themselves, right?”

I cannot believe that someone could react so harshly. Or anyone else who has on this matter. I have
so-called friends that talk about me behind my back, as if I am a traitor. Well, they are the ones who
choose to associate themselves with a sociopath. If only we all saw the signs way ahead of time, not even
I could have foreseen this.

Today, my friend Austin was talking to me about a show he watched last night. It was called Criminal
Intent. There was a case where a five year old boy died and they found the body in the woods. They
tried pinning it on the local registered sex offender. Later on, during questioning of the boy’s seven-
year-old brother, they found him get extremely angry with a bag of chips when he couldn’t get it open.
They then asked if he often got angry like this, and he eventually admitted to killing his brother. He
had been working on a model airplane early in the morning, and when the brother played with it, he
accidentally broke it, causing the seven-year-old to snap and he shoved pieces of airplane down his
brother’s throat, choking him. His parents found him, they called the sheriff, who was a good friend of the
family, and he hid the body in the woods to frame the registered sex offender. They told the parents
that they would have to seek help for their child since he is sociopathic. The parents claimed to never
noticing any signs, they mentioned strange things would happen, one occurence being when their dog
mysteriously dying. The boy felt no emotion towards the situation. It’s an example of situations like these
where it makes you think, could a life have been spared had we simply seen signs?
And how many sociopaths could there be out there really?

But enough of that rant, I came to talk about hope today.
I see in Aaron’s article he pretty much refers to Nathan as a murderer. While I do agree that he has
the potential, he is not. Because Shawn isn’t dead. He is in a coma, yes, he will be for seven months this
month..it is a painful fact. But what depresses me most is no one has hope for him waking up while
there is a very realistic chance he very well could. So my message to today is, EVERYONE HOPE!!
It’s what he needs from us. He needs our hope, our help, and our strength to get out of this alive.

You think I wouldn’t hear?
My best friend was there as you put venom into my name. But maybe you wanted me to know.

You’ve made your side perfectly clear, but if sociopathic murdering cowards are your taste in friends, go for it my dear. Just know, one day he’ll hurt you too. All I did was stand up for the one who can’t speak in all this.

Who’s next?

This is Amanda Gray, also known as Senator Tina Ward by SZ. I now have my log in
information from Jay. Thanks to you all, Shawn is loved..but will never be by the
man-or predator as Levi puts it-that SZ wanted. I am Nathan Nevitt’s former best friend.
I trusted him with my child. I trusted him with myself and my secrets. We all trusted
him. Which is now a most likely fatal mistake for Shawn. Nathan replaces everyone
in his life, and continues through life without remorse. I didn’t realize how cold he just
was until his lies surfaced. I know what happened on his side while he lived in California.
He had us all fooled..

Putting a face to the name.

Posted by Tom Morris   Post-script Levi D Wall     Interruption by Jay

The beginning of summer. How delightful! If I remember correctly, I wrote a post during this time last year too. As someone that studies psychology, also as someone who is aspiring to be a psychiatrist one day…I feel it necessary to share my advice…along with giving a few friendly reminders.

Most of us consider the past to be nothing more than actions that have occurred already. There are those nostalgic times that some individuals refer to as the “good old days,” but what becomes of the not so good times? The times when we are hurt, confused, and broken? Do those memories just disappear? I think not. I’m sure it would be convenient for both parties; the victim forgets his or her hurt, and the abuser is free of all possible guilt. However, that is not reality. The hurt is carried with us for the rest of our lives. The guilt may slowly fade, but it will never completely disappear.

We have to remember that our actions affect others. As easy as it might be for someone to say or to do something hurtful to another…it’s that other individual that will live with that feeling every single day of their life. Although, depending on the person, especially someone you love…that hurt can be 100x greater, 100x more painful.

An honest and moral person cannot hurt someone, wash their hands of it, and completely walk away from the situation. A loving and caring person cannot leave their partner in a despondent state of mind, rip and tear them into shreds, and then place the blame on them. A man of God cannot preach by the bible, then go against all of its teachings.

“Nobody Ever Did, Or Ever Will, Escape The Consequences Of His Choices” -Alfred A. Monapert

Tom Thank you, I love you Jay

Thank you Tom. Those are the very reasons some are not around to enjoy the fruits of their own labors, the things their music, photography and art represented. All obliterated by a promise, or a vow of “Forever” from the belief that there is good in the world from the sociopathic mind of a predator, whose lies penetrate his family and spread within and without. This thing called blame flows in only one direction, back to its source, back to the teller of the tale, where he is trapped in his own lies, no matter how hard he swims upstream against the current, the current will still flow against him, his lies, a thing public record, his family’s threats of violence, bouncing from a Facebook page that has gone untouched, they can’t keep their mouthes closed.  What if a thing called the truth came out if the ego were stripped of its self-importance.  He was only important to one, only a thing so special to one, who he, Nathan Nevitt could command life or death as a thing of love, he knows nothing of love, the things he knows are based in hate. How those around him can excuse such says more about their willingness to embrace abuse, however sense Nathan has his logins, passwords, and house keys, he could explain this thing for himself, in a house that doesn’t belong to him.  I would like to know what I could take away from Nathan that could equal what he has taken away from us.  Levi D Wall

Peyrony For Download
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From Peyrony, SZ’s last live performance